Drive By Wires

please Lord take away this beautiful nightmare

This apartment is a mess….
And I am mess too… a mental mess… a wreck…

The situation is grim.

Among all the usual scatter and small fires, I have a glowing piece of metal in front of me threatening to start another blaze. It doesn’t matter who’s at fault at this point, even though I am really to blame, we don’t have to play the blame game. It’s simple: I must take control of the situation.

The situation is: yet another beautiful nightmare.
What is a beautiful nightmare? What could be beautiful yet a nightmare?
A baby.

That is right…. there is a possibility I have impregnated a off/on friend of mine.

As you can tell, I come back from a Drive By Wires hiatus to report on this so I must have some very moving feelings about the situation. Yes I do.

I am afraid. Having a child will derail my plans like nothing else in this world short of God himself (if he were to so choose). You cannot overcome the responsibility of raising a newborn to fast-track your career. Parenting is a full-time job. If I bring a child into this world, that is really the only career I’ll ever have anymore. So it deeply sadens me to think that this is a possibility. My friend and I feel the same way about a child: no no no.

I had no had any sex or masturbated within at least 12hrs prior to us meeting up. I used a condom but it broke during intercourse: I had not came when it broke so I put on a new one, checked it, and resumed activity. When I eventually came the new condom was still in-place. However about 1.5 weeks later my friend informed me she had menstrual cramps but no bleeding (obviously concerned about possible pregnancy). A good 48 hours later she had bleeding and informed me her period had started. Her “period” apparently only lasted about 36hrs (1.5 days) whereas it usually lasts 5-6 days (120-144hrs). Fast forward about 3 days later and she had a pregnancy test performed at the hospital and it was Negative.

So here I stand. Among all my other problems I now have this weighing down my mind tremendously. It’s a burden on my thinking processes, morale, and motivation. It’s hard to go on under these conditions. I wish I could go back in time. So tonight I will pray to my creator, my Lord, my almighty God, The Lord for forgiveness for the things which I have done. I will ask for his mercy up on my life. “He knows me better than I know myself”, is what I say. I mean no harm to anyone but he knows my struggles and my problems and this possible pregnancy is the result of one of them. He knows I was beginning to plan a new life for myself… but now that is all on the line. I will pray and do what I can to stay on top of the situation as a man. But I pray to God he gives me his hand and helps me out of this hole I am in.