Drive By Wires

this leads to the idea of why i am depressed..

it has to do with me being obsessed with bad things….

it’s not that I am unduely obsessed on pre-occupied with the negative things in my life but it’s more like this….

Everything we do on a daily basis revolves around moving foward in life. Moving to the next step. Getting things done and going to the next. Everything we actively DO revolves around our to do list — wither it be in our conscious mind, on a piece of paper, on the computer, or even in our sub-concsious. We all work to progress through life, to hit mile stones, make accomplishments, get to the places we want to be. Right? Ok.

We can’t stand around for too long smiling and celebrating our accomplishments forever, right? We must eventually get back to work for the next thing, right? … I mean unless you’re totally retired from life. I mean completely retired as in DEAD. Otherwise there is ALWAYS something to do next, wither it be walk to the store, pick up the kids, clean the house, go to bed, etc..

SO… in my life, what happens is that among all the different things I have to deal with at any given moment, I tend to have one of the BIG and important/imperative things going sideways…maybe either in my life personally or in the life of one of my nuclear family members (mother or sister) and since that item/activity/task must be completed… that is bad. When that is the case I am usually generally unhappy/down about it or because of it until I can resolve the issue because I cannot move forward in the lineage of that part of my life until I get past that gate. As long as I do not change my intended path or final goal/status for that lineage/part/section of my life or existence, I still must get over that hurdle. and if it’s a very important area of life (job, health, social interaction, mood, to name a few) then the importance of that area multiplied by the difficulty of the hurdle is proportional to a negative force against my mood. Put hurdles in two or more of those areas and have them such that I am unsure of how to solve them or how long it will take, and you have a pretty unhappy lad because key areas of my life are in jeopardy/suspension/unsatisfactory state and no confidence on the resolution of those situations.

So if we go back to the idea that everything we do is to move forward in some part of our life, you can see how every day when I wake up, all that I have to do today is deal with the hurdles that exist in whatever parts of my life they are present in at that time … if at all.

The unfortunate reality of my life is that I do not readily know of any time within the past six years when I didn’t have any hurdles to worry about.