Drive By Wires

thats it but it moved

that’s not the exact issue.

the real issue is bigger than my hesistance… reluctance… to bang at the door.

the problem is rooted in a type of social anxiety that i have. i thought i had grown out of my social anxiety but it may be rather that it sort of shifted from one part of my life to another, in the sense that I seen it’s effects very clearly in a High School/Middle School environment but in college it didn’t really affect my interaction with my peers as much because there were so few candidates to really interact with. Instead, it may now be manifesting itself in my more professional and procedural interactions with people. In that sense, I am nervous cold-calling people who do not expect to hear from me or have no prior relationship with me. I am also nervous about the percision of my communications when I am interacting with those who may render judgement on me based on how I commuicate. So my “perfectionist” tendencies also kick-in and I am critiquing a single email for 10 or 15 minutes sometimes longer depending on the length of the message.

as far as banging on the doors, i’m a little afraid i find a path to go down and who knows what’ll happen when I go down that path. my friend said the worse that could happen is being denied. but being denied in this type of venture, for me, is a bigger shock than a simple answer to the negative. it’s a grade on my decision to even come down that road. so if i am told no, for all i know, i probably should have never even approached that point from the direction i did.

additionally, I am a afraid of what I am getting myself into. I am afraid things will be harder than i expected and depending on the route I take I may have less technical/developmental support than I may have otherwise. Additionally, things could turn out how another guy I know explained a similar company’s demographic, which although not the end_of_the_world, doesn’t help me too much either. I don’t know.. this is a big step, this is a bigger step than I can imagine anyone else in my graduating class is having to take. I am literally making leaps of faith to try to make it into this place. Jumping from rock to rock, searching for an inroad, and possibly (but not for sure) running away from what I know.

I will bang on the door but damn is this going to be a sickening ride if I ever were on one.

OK WAIT, SOMETHING TO ADD (MY THOUGHTS DON’T ALWAYS FLOW IMMEDIATELY):

Another big fear of mine is that: Maybe this is not working out how one would expect because I shouldn’t be headed in this direction. My fear is that maybe God is (trying to?… can I even put try and God in the same sentence???) holding me back from going toward this place for my own good. Maybe I don’t belong there? So my fear is, if I keep banging on the door and something randomly opens and I fall inside… I could get myself in to the wrong place at the wrong time?…

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As I do more research on the company I realize, or rather it is reinforced even more, that I really may not know who I am dealing with… I am dealing with the crème de la crème FOR SURE. I mean the lovely people I’ve worked with across my past six years can’t even see the level these folks are on. I have no idea how they interact, how they behave, who they are like, how they communicate…. nope… not at all sure.

what’s even scarier, thinking that “if I am really good enough, of the best there are, then they would have seen me by now” ….

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1. Nervous and unsure about what I am pursuing
2. Hard to get into where I’m heading
3. Anxious about pushing the limits of people, institutions, rules, standards, etc. to be heard.
4. Fear of tarnishing my barely made image in an attempt to muscle my way in

The biggest and best thing I could use right now is happy in my life. The happier I am the better I do. The more confident I am. The more I am willing to push.

When I am sad/depressed/upset as I am right now… well, then I don’t want to step outside my circle. I don’t want to push any limits for my dreams. I want things handed to me based who I am and all I’ve already done, etc. so I don’t have to whale, scream, cry, and bang on doors to be noticed. I need someone to step out of their way whom I actually can believe and sincerely tell me I’ve done a good job, that I have a good future, that I am worth it, that I deserve the job I dream of everyday…. Or to at least support me in me supporting myself. But I don’t have any of that. So I sit here depressed futzing/putzing around the issues on my mind… hard-pressed to act quickly in fear of rejection or failure.