Drive By Wires

Truely driving by wires… driving blind

Today has been another one of those amazing days. I’m pissed. I think partly (or even more so) because I haven’t had any sleep. I was up all night authoring the first of many reports for my capstone project. The presentation and tender of the report went over well (or at least she faked that it did) but that doesn’t mean the content was worth much. Regardless, at least it was rather painless and I got back to school in time.

What’s got me even more upset are the two things below:

1. Post-graduation employment > company X hasn’t called me back, it’s been a week.
2. Career/Future planning > ….
   
   This, #2, is an interesting one. Today after I got back on campus I ran into an friend of mine who originally started with me, graduated on time, and is now here completing his graduate degree. Dude was updating me on what he was into and how things were going on his end then he turned the mic over to me and asked me what I was doing.
   
   To cut to the chase, the conversation developed into him talkinga bout how he busted his ass during his undergraduate degree to stand out — to be the best of the best. Now during his graduate degree he really don’t have to work as hard to keep the opportunities his success has afforded him. He basically said that is getting his masters, and eventually his Ph.D. because he wants them. No real reason other than to fulfill his desire. He asked me what was I doing to stand out and how the best companies or organizations only want the best: “the best only want the best”… reminded me of problem #1 listed above… He said I should stay and get my graduate degree but to make it mean something. Not to accept any pansy projects they have laying around but to actually answer a question or solve a problem that nobody else has attempted before… to be noticed… to stand out… to make a difference… because when I graduate with my undergrad, even with my leadership experience and GPA, I will 1 of 10,000 other students. If I get my graduate degree, I’ll be more like 1 of 1,000 and if I do something serious as my thesis (or whatever), I’ll be even more special. He asked: “What are you going to do to stand out?” … well I thought I had done my part though all the extra-curriculars that have had me strung out for the past few years…. but maybe if everyone and their friend has some similar leadership experience (but serious how similar do these other 10,000 in terms of creating web applications, online communities, working their way through school, being passionate about everything, struggling through school, etc.???) …. I’d need to stand out even more. Started making me think about company X and how they haven’t called me back. Maybe I’m just not special enough. My friend said when you are special they’ll say “we must have him” rather than the typical “lets bring him in for an interview” etc.
   
   I’m super pissed to have this challenge pressed against me at this point. This late in my undergrad. Nothing else is looking very promising and a lot of things he said were ringing true in my mind. I see how watered down a BSME has become. I mean… it means something but there are now so many people with it that it really doesn’t say too much about you to those who are in the know. Yesterday’s BSME is now today’s Associate’s. If you want to mean something you need an Master’s degree. And what kills me is that I never really planned to climb the technical ladder. I just want to lead… in the auto industry. My friend basically said that there is little hope of ascending the ladder with just a bachelor’s degree in engineering. Basically. My idea about grad school for engineering was that I’d put it off until I knew more about what exactly I’d want to specialize in…. just like Harvard requires for people wanting their MBA (which also, btw, everyone has…. but it’s value also depends on where you get it… it’s no secret the name buys the job).
   
   

So I am pretty angry as I sit here right now. I have a 3 hours class tonight, a 4 hour shift at work, then tomorrow at 5 or 6 I have to drive home to ensure my sister makes it to her ACT test… so she can at least have a shot at going to school in the Fall.

My life right now is broken or ass-backwards in nearly every way. The only good thing is that I am graduating but now it’s even more clear that my degree really doesn’t mean too much in the industry I want to enter. My experiences, struggles, triumphs, accolades, honors, awards, time, tears…. just got me this far as of today: in debt, questionable future, questionable track-record,  little hope, and a family that’s depending on it all to be right so I can help them.

I’m so pissed…. I keep getting calls from this Company F. I have no idea where they got my resume but they called me while I was at the conference last month and I went by their booth to follow-up with their voicemail. I think I gave the dude my resume, which I shouldn’t have done. Now some dude from there has called me twice. I’m going to have to call him back today and turn him down. I refuse to settle for the industry they are in and what they do. I’ve know for years where I want to be and I am still aiming for it. In my mind, with every passing day, my odds of achieving my dream out of college get worse. Everyday I get more angry that I’m not good enough. Today I got even more angry that there is a possibility I should have considered grad school (well I did and I determined it wasn’t for me right now)… because somebody said some things to me that I had never heard before… that never touched me before… I got the message so late.

Tomorrow I will wake up and have to deal with even more shit. I just want to sleep and eat and be happy. I have a dream of creating cars but nobody ever told me I needed to be an all-star on paper just to have a chance at doing it. I figured my passion and dedication would shine through and I’d get a chance to explain my intent and they’d see my potential and give me stepping stone… like any reasonable organization should do. But no, fuck it, I have to fight my way and that makes me even more mad because I ran out of time 1 year ago when I was originally suppose to graduate. This entire shit makes me burn right now (again please note I have had no sleep and am extra irritable as a result).

At the end of the day the only person everyone will blame and punish will be me. Even if I didn’t have the information, the necessary additional motivation, or the support. Even if have been dealing with ADHD, depression, or anxiety. Even if I did try my hardest and endured with commitment …. I am looked at as if I am some slacker and I am treated as one and I do not stand out. It’s way more than disheartening, it’s concerning, it could drive someone mad. I know one day soon when reality hits of how fucked I am, I will break down crying, wishing for a decent job, a decent future for my family, wishing for the pain to go away that I never intended to create.