Drive By Wires

do more. eat less. gain weight.

i am bummed out.

things aren’t looking so hot and i feel like the sky is starting to fall (to reference the Kid Cudi song). but the thing is — i am not suppose to be worried, at all.

at the end of the day i have 1 primary end goal that even with the best of intentions and decisions going forward from today, i still cannot guarantee success of.

worried about my health too……..

today i weighed myself i clocked in at ~129lbs. but that was on a balance beam scale… I’m fairly sure i used it right but I still would like to double check with an electronic or mechanical scale…

the thing about the 129 is that i usually am around 140. Per my medical records, in August 09’ I was at 150lbs, and this past November 10’ I was 137lbs. Couple this change in weight with my recent health concerns (or paranoia) and you have some type of case. What scares me is that it’s possible that I have symptoms that I’ve written off as being allergies, metabolism, genetics, etc.  that now are plausible to be put on the table in the development of a symptom synopsis. What to include? What to exclude?? My other big fear is that whatever may be going on may be contributing to my limitation of success in certain areas of my life. I like me but maybe my brain isn’t getting all the stuff it needs. Moreover, I struggle to choose healther food options, with less time to cook, and less money to spend this year. Then add in stress from my (apparently too detailed) decision-making process and other concerns and you have a rather sorted affair.

other than the possibility of being perpetually sick, things are haywire. I have too many outstanding responsibilities, and no good way to keep track of them all. Then I also have monetary concerns and being as hungry as I am (see the above health issues), the grocery bills do not help my situation. With the Time = Money relationship, when I want to save time I loose money, and vice-versa. Ha.. I give up my time to make money so I can transportation, room, board, and sanity, all so I can finish school in the hopes of getting my #1 dream job that feels so far away right now.

I pray to God to help me, only he knows my true heart. I mean no harm to anyone and if anyone ever catches me in the wrong, I beg of them to please point it out. If I haven’t done enough I need to know so I can help others who come after me know to do more.

thinking about myself i feel like such a fool sometimes. i feel like i want a female friend to talk to, and without someone to help i feel like i’m defaulting to a negative state, which makes it harder to self-motivate. i shouldn’t need any outside influences to self-motivate to an appropriate level but it could be helpful as i am half-burried in the ground. i stopped seeing my barber because he was too expensive, $20 for a haircut for a student isn’t really a wise purchase, because that is half of my food budget and the haircut only lasts for what, 3-4 weeks or something? i mean it’s value isn’t there for my situation right now, so i cut my own hair. i have a pair of $20 general Wahl clippers and a $60 Andis T-outliner. They both have easily paid for themselves at this point. why am i writing about this? because i am thinking about a multitude of things right now and one of those that just came up was me being lonely and feeling unattractive. im not even really lonely these days as much as i could just use a good female friend to talk to and help with some wardrobe things…. female friend = potential mating material. not just any female.

I COULD TALK ALL DAY. I THINK ABOUT SO MANY THINGS WONDERING AM I WRONG OR AM I RIGHT? WHY DOESN’T THINK WORK OUT? WHY DO I FEEL ALONE IN THIS AREA?