Drive By Wires

hopeless

People make some things seem so easy that I cannot get.

Then the things I do “get” other people are also easily able to “get” so it doesn’t make me any special in respect to anyone else.

But I’m not looking to be better than anyone like that specifically, no, this post is not about that.

This post is about how depressed I am feeling right now.

Work went OK.

But still I’m not happy. I come home to face the reality of real problems I am struggling with. I contributed to all these problems at some point in time by not thinking ahead. Now I am here, time ticking away like a CD player the listener can’t control… and I hate the songs on the CD - it’s like a mix CD I had no input on the contents of.

I know I am tired (sleepy) and that could be affecting my mood quite a bit right now… but outside of that, reality still remains the same. The problems are still in plain sight with no pleasing solutions in sight. I have high standards for the solutions to my problems but even when I lower those standards to just barely being “OK”, the solutions still don’t measure up.

It’s like I’m in a storm but the storm won’t leave without damaging things that I do not tie down or get into shelter. But my shelter is packed full and I have no rope left to tie anything down… hell even me myself am barely tethered to my shelter, and right now there is no guarantee, no evidence, no reasons to support the idea that these threads holding me to my shelter are going to hold….

So I pray? I pray to God. But I can’t just run up to God asking for things because that is not what God is about. So, instead, I just ask him to help me learn more about him. So at least I can know the truth… When I pray I still do mention getting some help staying tethered to my shelter, but my primary reason for praying is for my family who’s depending on me to weather the storm and for me to get to know God better… if he’s there.

He hasn’t responded yet.

At this rate, If I live to be 23…24…. 25…