May 2011
3 posts
please Lord take away this beautiful nightmare
This apartment is a mess…. And I am mess too… a mental mess… a wreck…
The situation is grim.
Among all the usual scatter and small fires, I have a glowing piece of metal in front of me threatening to start another blaze. It doesn’t matter who’s at fault at this point, even though I am really to blame, we don’t have to play the blame game. It’s...
a lot
i have a lot of hard decisions to make and work to do this week…
man…… i’m just a straight fck up……
iish sucks
i quit
i quit
i quit
i quit
i cant quit
April 2011
8 posts
help me figure myself out
i am loosing my mind tonight…
i am distraught, confused, vexed about my future. finding a job primarily. and when i turn to look for friends or partners to confide in, i am reminded of my dysfunctional social life also because there very few people to turn to….
nothing feels like its going well right now. everything feels so sideways it might as well be considered upside down...
new way
Sex
Food
Sugar
Sleep
Music
Orange Juice
Tea
these are the key elements involved in a refresh.
now where to find #1?
adverb
Using people you do not know, To gain leverage you do not have, To get somewhere you are unsure you should be.
Do you continue to wonder why I question doing this?
But these people are not just any Joe Sixpack and Mary Jane… No, we are talking about the crème de la crème. They are busy established professionals, who are already within the renowned organization, providing renowned results,...
this leads to the idea of why i am depressed..
it has to do with me being obsessed with bad things….
it’s not that I am unduely obsessed on pre-occupied with the negative things in my life but it’s more like this….
Everything we do on a daily basis revolves around moving foward in life. Moving to the next step. Getting things done and going to the next. Everything we...
thats it but it moved
that’s not the exact issue.
the real issue is bigger than my hesistance… reluctance… to bang at the door.
the problem is rooted in a type of social anxiety that i have. i thought i had grown out of my social anxiety but it may be rather that it sort of shifted from one part of my life to another, in the sense that I seen it’s effects very clearly in a High School/Middle...
yeah some of fools are evil but take their tools...
Music:
Slum Village - Where Do We Go From here
Jay-Z - As Real As It Gets (Feat. Young Jeezy)
Wale - BASEhead
Charles Hamilton - The Warmth, Hamiltonized
N.E.R.D. - Love Bomb
Very fitting song for the moment….
Is it too little too late for me? Can I still make a name for myself? Leave a mark?
I am asking that question today, Sunday April 10, 2011 as I sit facing the week ahead now...
stress and fatigue of strain
Hi, I’m back. Please excuse me if my writing style does not seem coherent or flow very well… I’ve lost my edge recently due to stress and fatigue.
I feel like… all this (work, effort, endurance) has been culminating up to this very point. The point of getting a job that launches my career. If I fall short of attaining that… If I end up in a position that is outside...
Truely driving by wires... driving blind
Today has been another one of those amazing days. I’m pissed. I think partly (or even more so) because I haven’t had any sleep. I was up all night authoring the first of many reports for my capstone project. The presentation and tender of the report went over well (or at least she faked that it did) but that doesn’t mean the content was worth much. Regardless, at least it was...
March 2011
2 posts
The No. 1 Answer
Primarily, for the most part, I do not know what I am doing.
This is a given.
i am so far out there right now, you don’t even understand…
i am so just angry, unhappy, frustrated, pissed
February 2011
3 posts
rate of approval :: my approval ratings are low
I don’t look for total approval from others per say as much as I look for someone whose opinion or position is one I profoundly find substantial or one whom a lot of people find significant, to approve of me as a person. I feel like that substantiates that I properly exist, belong, and have a positive purpose as such.
It kind of like receiving an award… the higher on the food chain,...
……………………………………………
im out here on an invisible sheet of ice
a very thin sheet at that.
they say i walked my own self out here
do more. eat less. gain weight.
i am bummed out.
things aren’t looking so hot and i feel like the sky is starting to fall (to reference the Kid Cudi song). but the thing is — i am not suppose to be worried, at all.
at the end of the day i have 1 primary end goal that even with the best of intentions and decisions going forward from today, i still cannot guarantee success of.
worried about my health...
January 2011
1 post
no expression
i am back.
why am i back?
obviously …. things are not going so good anymore.
im worried… maybe paranoid……
I feel like I’m always hungry. And as of lately (past 3-4 weeks…) i’m fairly tired and require coffee to pep myself up.
im worried… maybe i have some disease? well…. maybe…. but it costs $$$ i don’t have to ask the doctor...
November 2010
8 posts
little lessions
Fuck that cruise ship, let’s build our own and play BATTLEship
Exxxacccctttllly.
Now, this has been fun.
I have a $340 Doctor’s bill to tack onto my current expenses. I do not know when it’s due but I’d assume within 30 days of me recieving the bill.
See, this is EXACTLY why I waited so long to go to the Doctor’s office in the first place. But I needed to see SOMEONE. Why not knock out all my birds with one stone and see my primary care physician at...
i don’t get it. but i kinda do get it… maybe. maybe im being a hypocrite.
im just so mad right now i dont even think shooting things would make me feel totally better
words for thought or words without thought?
I readily don’t tolerate people treating each other like bull shit because I personally do not agree with it. Yes there have been numerous occasions where I have made the poor choice or mistake of choosing certain actions to handle a situation wherein said actions fall into this category of bull shit. Today I was told by someone whom I actually disliked before this incident that a creation...
ask a question
WHY CAN’T I?
i am jealous or envious of nearly everything?
its like tripping down a flight of stairs.
but there really aren’t any actual steps.
so its actually like falling off a cliff.
over and over again.
October 2010
11 posts
Michigan 2011
We need to talk about MyCommitment to Michigan 2011
wonderful
It’s really remarkable how easily I can ruin my own day just through my thoughts and actions or lack thereof.
You Must Move Faster
This is a very serious threat to my personal viability and livelihood. This also will have devastating affects on those tied to me (e.g. family)
movements
DIPSET: We the only movement moving
I do not condone/support the malicious songs or intents of this group, I simply find some of there music to be interesting.
question
if we’re all here trying to get the same things, why do we make it so difficult for each other?
a little depressed today
Today was kinda rough. I’d attribute at least 25% of the roughness to my lack of sleep.
So I have a meeting very early tomorrow, so I will be hitting the bed asap. I ordered a pizza too (because I’m tired of my no-meat burritos that apparently cause me to have daily bowel movements). I just want a nice meaty, hearty, hot meal that I am used too….
The job hunt is also not going...
aw man
i rly dont feel like doin much but im also not vry comfortable right now.
i also have a few things i could b doing
falling short
i usually do well up until the point where i have to factor in other people’s opinions’ about me or their decided behavior. then i fall short. i only fall short when i have to pass the baton off to someone else to hand back. because it never comes back.
note
i was doing pretty good today too… then u decide to remind me of how I’m looking down the barrel of a gun with one bullet short of a full chamber.
…. i was doing pretty okay today … :(
guess mate
i want to roll over ….
1
life.is.teh.suck
September 2010
8 posts
when
when i get depressed i loose focus and drive.
so im all over the place doing all of nothing.
today i feel down because i feel lonely.
oh
i been stuck im still tryina get out.
check my progress meter for me will ya?
partly cloudy
its hard to practice talking when there is no one new to talk to.
a melody
It’s been a rough ride for me. Financially, emotionally, academically, and spirtually… so anymore these days I’m throwin all I got in the basket to improve my chances of just getting out. These days I can’t even look too far beyond the exit door because there is no gaurentee I’m even exiting… No guarntee I’m getting out. So close yet so far because there...
since
since he went in before me, and will have like an entire year of experience on me, i dont even know if i want to work there anymore. that place was like my only remaining option. it would take gold to get me to come back to where i am now. but we’ll see..
medical point
my emotional state is like a roller coaster right now.
if only we could hook up a device to my arm that would plot out me emotion with respect to time.
hopeless
People make some things seem so easy that I cannot get.
Then the things I do “get” other people are also easily able to “get” so it doesn’t make me any special in respect to anyone else.
But I’m not looking to be better than anyone like that specifically, no, this post is not about that.
This post is about how depressed I am feeling right now.
Work went OK.
...
uh
I feel so un-hopeful about my future that sometimes I don’t even want to read news about the happenings of the world around me because I’m so convinced I won’t be able to enjoy anytime soon, if ever at all.
August 2010
3 posts
slippery slopes can't say a word to this cliff
So I think today I’ve starting to come to grips, reality, understanding… acceptance… that life for me will not be easy any more. Especially over the next year. Things are going to get beyond hairy and my attempts to countermeasure the numerous problems I should expect to encounter are not guaranteed to be effective to any degree. All along I’ve joked about, and sometimes...
PLM is a website for.ever.fucking.unique.body
yeah i said it. no cookie cutter cutouts.
DBW Update 8.2.2010
Current Plans Update
Money Current revised outlook as of today I will be $1200 short for the Fall. To minimize any further loss I will need to keep weekly groceries at $35 or less and gas at $40 or less. Need to find a way to gain around $800-$1200 by November, or else. Winter and Spring are still 100% unfunded.
Also will begin using new CC only for online and other select purchases. Should...
July 2010
12 posts
wishing
Wishing I could just roll over and …
about me: the postnormal
I have a sense that my life is headed kind of towards where I have been tying to aim it but I have a strong feeling that at this point, hitting my exact target will be base mostly on luck. I feel I do not have the credentials on paper to get exactly where I’d want to go when I graduate.
I feel lonely.
I get lost in relatively unimportant details and sometimes I procrastinate in certain...
quarterly meeting
Glad to be back in my Tumblr. I nice refuge for my typing fingers & hands to run away to express communicate the thoughts and desires of my mind. So today is Sunday.
I took a walk last night, I guess I left here about 3:30 am and walking around the hood. I hadn’t been out much that day so I was using the opportunity to move my legs, get some blood flowing, etc. but more importantly I...